Well, I made it through the holiday in one piece. I thought I’d be bogged down by sadness but, if anything, I was completely indifferent. I’m feeling under the weather, so that may have added to that ‘don’t really give a fuck’ feeling.
My children provide regular reality checks whenever we get stuck talking about him. My daughter reminded me on Christmas Eve not to feel sad just because it was Christmas time because ‘we never saw him on Christmas.’
I reminded her that Christmas time is for families, and that we (us + Peter) were never a family. We were especially not the ‘Peter + his kids + me + my kids’ type of family, and that he had never planned for us to be that family–ever. Even though he never stopped talking about it.
The thing is, I have found a new way to make this easier to let go of. Now when I see him posting in the forum, I’m reminded of how creepy he is. But only because I know how he operates in that setting. He’s the middle-aged, married guy (who lists himself as ’single’) with self-esteem issues, who is incredibly needy when it comes to attention and ego stroking. There, in the forum, he fills up his tank. So I’ve been lurking, hoping to spot him giving his usual unsolicited advice to 19 year old girls about their future. And just in time for the end of the year awards where, I’m sure he’s hoping to be remembered as ‘hottest male poster’ since he’s been chosen several times in the past. Those are his ‘peepers’ after all. And there, with the dwellers, he is right at home.
I lurk to fill up my tank too. Another reality check that this is who he really is. That creepy forum guy who engages in secret communications and shares half naked pictures of himself with married women and, most likely, 19 year old girls. “Harmless sexual banter,” as he calls it.
It’s one way for me to feel good about my choice of getting away from him.
I am amused to watch him playing the tough atheist who talks over everyone’s heads because he thinks that makes him seem smarter. Being smart is important to him. It’s the first thing he says about himself in his ‘about me’ section: “I’m very smart.”
I’m sure he’s creeping around, hoping to snag a new cyber mate. He’s only good for fantasy relationships. He gets to be whoever he wants to be. And they don’t disrupt the status quo.
People fight only when they have something worth fighting for.
I cannot hate with any less passion than I loved…
I woke up feeling despondent today. Depressed. I hate this feeling.
I hate that this thing takes so much out of my daily life. Or that I give it so much more time and thought than I do the positive aspects of my life.
I hate that I’ll let this spoil my holidays and my children’s good cheer.
I hate the idea that I have to murder love just to live with the loss of it. Or that I now view love as something sour. Something to avoid.
To have someone tell you they love you and all the time knowing it’s all pretense.
And for a while, believing him.
I hate him for being the man he is, and the man he is not.
I’m feeling just the right amount of hostility to get me through the holidays without succumbing to any false, nostalgic memories of Christmas or New Years Eve. False nostalgia, since we never spent the holidays together.
In fact, nothing has changed, with the exception of a lower phone bill :)
I stole this from my friend D:
“If your behavior loving me is identical to your behavior not loving me, then you don’t actually love me”
Makes perfect sense 
I don’t know what to expect at work today. Didn’t sleep well worrying about it.
On the one hand, I think I’d be relieved to get away from the abuse. Then again, we’re in a fucking recession and that particular industry is already dead.
Plus, I like it there. I like the people I work with. I like the short hours and the close proximity to home.
If I were good with the business end of things, I’d work for myself. Tap into the wide open video market up here, like Ed suggested. Maybe it’s a lack of confidence. The school’s already called me about another dance shoot but they always say they’re going to pay me, then end up giving me a wind chime.
I think I’ve never disliked someone I once thought I loved, so much.
Or for so long.
It seems to get stronger with time. Or maybe it’s the holidays.
I don’t feel love for him, anymore. I don’t miss him at all. I guess that’s a good thing.
Such a strange and uncomfortable perspective. I hope I never experience ‘love’ like this again.
Sometimes the hardest part of making choices, is living with them…
Seems ironic to me that the person who put so much time and energy into writing our future (long view) would choose that as his forum sig.
In fact, I’ve never met a man so preoccupied with a future, that he completely disregarded the present, while simultaneously mired in the past.
Funny that.
And that, the man who didn’t seem to know when to stop talking quoted Beckett’s line: “Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.”
Banter.
He talks, because that’s all he can do. I’m not listening to him anymore, so he’s back to talking to strangers.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry 
